A Real sub or slave Would Do it for her Mistress ..

In almost every case, people with a bit of self-control and common sense start their kinky journey in a very satisfying way when it comes to the things they experience. For  lot of people, BDSM is a way to experience things which they cannot experience during normal sex.

Finding a place for your BDSM-fantasies and feelings is often experienced as a “happy homecoming” because “I can finally be myself”.

But as well on the sadistic-dominant and on the submissive-masochistic side of the spectrum you also see that people on certain paths encounter an abuser which completely messes up everything beautiful from this home-coming. So, let’s have a look at things that could go wrong.

My Fantasy or Yours?

Certain use of words can be considered as “red flags”. These are important warning signals to mark the risk that the novice might do things they regret afterwards. When you hear sentences online or in real life, that force you to do things you’re not really ready for (yet), be aware.

Sentences such as:

  • “A real sub/slave will do this for his/her master/mistress”
  • “It does not need to feel good for you to serve me”,
  • “This would not bother a real Dom”

And other sorts of nonsense. I can say a lot about this, but the message here is only a short one.

1 There are just as many kinks as there are kinksters. If you want to experience more intense things than the national average, then there are plenty of people who would love to accompany you along your way (especially when you’re a woman). So don’t embark on the first one you meet.

2 Everyone has their own little thing in kink. And as with any good relationship, it is not about changing your partner to whatever you want the other to be, but that you let your partner be themselves and that you love him/her because he/she is who he is.

3 All the things another person says about you during in a good relationship, are said from their point of view. So, it is a good thing to start these kind of sentences in a first person singular way. In a best-case scenario, the above mentioned sentences would sounded like:

  • “I would like that my sub/slave would do this and that for me”
  • “I would like to ask you to do this for me, even if it does not make you feel completely comfortable, but I would really like it (and by the way: you are in charge of all your limits)”
  • “I can really enjoy my fantasy: when my Dom does not get bothered by this”
    and other sentences starting with “I”…
  • Sentences which start with “I feel”, “I think”, “I fantasize” instead of “you have to” or even “a real…does” (does what I fantasize about) .

But What About my Fantasy?

And obviously sentences such as “crawl for me!” or other dominant assignments might really get your juices flowing. But all of that only applies when the game has already begun and the equality-phase is over. Because you’re equal until the negotiations are over and you’ve decided to start the “game” with someone. And you’ll be equal again after a safe word of after the “game” is over.

As the submissive party, you have a mission for yourself to find a partner who will make you happy. So, for “subbies”, the following applies:

If you (as a sub) are good at “accustoming yourself”, it’s your responsibility to find a mold -in other words, a Dom(me)- which will make you feel happy once you completely fit into their desired shape..

As a Dom this is also true, it is your role to do with your sub whatever you want, whatever makes you feel good. So be aware to not be restricted to only do the things your submissive wants most, or their need for to do things that make you feel uncomfortable or even things you hesitate to have done. So look for someone who’s loving to experience the wicked things you have in mind.

So on Both Sides:

Do NOT let yourself be manipulated into situations you might regret afterwards because somebody else thinks that you should do something you don’t really want to, because “a real Master/slave/Dom/submissive” would do that”…

I would advise a friendly smile and don’t waste another word on that person, followed up by an immediate turn on your heels. Smile friendly, go and look elsewhere for someone with more respect for your fantasies.

Hans has over a quarter of a century of experience in the mental health sector. Hans is a certified physiotherapist, psychotherapist and relationship coach. The debilitating effects of shame and taboos have always had his attention.


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