If you’ve followed our blog for a while, you will know that we are adamant about there not being a ‘one true way’ in BDSM. So how come the title of this article is ‘ Parents have to be equals’. That sounds pretty ‘one true way’ doesn’t it?

Parents Are Equally Responsible

Parents are equally responsible for their children. 100%, every minute of the day, for as long as they come of age. (And it feels like for the rest of your life 😉

As a parent, you are responsible for the child’s emotional and physical well-being.

The decisions you take for your child – from before they are born – will shape their future. No pressure here. This responsibility demands that you make these decisions to the best of your knowledge and ability. It is crucially important that you do so out of your own free will.

Submission Has no Place in Parenthood

As a submissive, it is your responsibility towards your child to have the rights of an equal father or mother in your parenting relationship. That’s not always easy – especially if you are living a 24/7 BDSM lifestyle and feel deeply connected to your submissive side. But I am very ‘one true way’ here: You have to realize that submission has no place in parenthood. You are responsible for your child’s well-being – 100%. It’s a responsibility you cannot – must not – delegate to your dominant.

As a dominant, it is not just your responsibility to take care of your child, it is also your responsibility to create a safe environment for your submissive to be an equal parent. Consider establishing a switch in protocol to help – a signal word or a nonverbal sign. Encourage your sub to speak freely, repeat often that you expect your submissive to be an equal parent. Show and articulate that you are proud of your sub when she or he switches roles successfully.

Naturally, like with any parenting couple, you will at times disagree about decisions. If that is the case, fall back to vanilla parenting models to come to agreements. Make pro and con lists, find compromises – ultimately, find consensus in a positive way. Never fall back to D/s hierarchy. Even not – especially not – if that seems like the easy way out. You owe it to your child.

Children Have no Place in a BDSM Dynamic

You wouldn’t dream of playing an impact play scene in front of your children. I hope. That is pretty obvious. It’s not age appropriate for a start. Children don’t understand the concept of consent yet. They wouldn’t understand that daddy likes to be spanked by mommy or that mommy enjoys a good old flogging by daddy. For their mental and emotional well-being, for their sanity and for their ability to form healthy relationships in the future: Never expose children to BDSM play. Let’s be clear:

Consent Separates BDSM from Abuse. Children Cannot Consent. Exposing Children to BDSM is Abusive.

Exposing children to a BDSM dynamic is a little less obvious because the lines are blurry. Certainly, if your BDSM relationship is part of your household, if mother and father are in a 24/7 D/s dynamic.

From Your Children’s Perspective

I recommend always looking at the way you interact from your child’s perspective. Children instinctively repeat what they see adults doing – their parents most of all. If a daughter sees her mother being bossed around by her father in harsh voice all day – how does that set her up for life choices? If a son sees daddy fall on his knees when mommy comes home, what does that teach him about mutual respect and his relationship future?

Again, children don’t understand the concept of consent. They pick up on behavioral patterns way before they could even ask why things are the way they are. And children don’t typically question their parents until teenage years. What they see at home, that’s how it’s supposed to be. That’s what they will most likely repeat in their relationships.

Make a Conscious Choice In Your Child’s Best Interest

My husband and I have made the choice to keep the majority of our D/s relationship away from our children. We have established different levels of protocol for when they are present vs. when we are alone. The subtle acts of submission that they still see are just a very polite couple acting respectfully with each other. And we compensate accordingly when the kids are not there.

As a submissive, I am proud of the fact that I could make the choice to submit. My parents raised me as a self-determined and emancipated woman. I personally intend to raise my children in that same mindset.

Enjoyed this article?  Read more of Sonja’s work here.

Sonja is a co-founder of boldpleasures. She's on a mission to free people to revel in their true sensuality by removing the stigma surrounding kink. Sonja writes about first steps, ditching the shame and how to combine kink and 'normal' family life. She's a mother of two.


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