Coming out of the closet…or is it the other way around?
Every kinkster has a couple of phases when it comes to the acceptance and development of his or her way of “being different”. Steps like “why?” and “why me?” or “fighting against”/” healing” is, for every kinkster, the result of taking that initial step to come out of the closet. Otherwise, you will never be an active kinkster and it will all just remain a fantasy.
So, when you’re coming out, it can sometimes be a little too enthusiastically. This is something that you need to do step by step. It’s also recommended that you consider the matter fully before you finally take those steps.
Will You Lock Yourself Out or do You Stay Inside?
This is something you will encounter basically every time as a beginning kinkster before you take the step to say something. During this phase it is almost certain that you will have reservations accompanied with the feeling that your situation does not allow you to admit your fetish. But is this really the case?
I always consider the following statement as being a beautiful thought:
You are the keyholder of your own closet
It is not just a closet you’re coming out of, it is also your closet into which you allow certain people in, whenever you decide to open the door for them.
I also say this because it is important in some cases to decide on if you should allow someone to know about that part of your life. Does this individual appreciate and understand these things enough? Is it important to you, to let someone in when it comes to that certain aspect of your life? Or is it just something you’re so excited about that you just talk about it to everyone?
And there will always be people who are important to you but you may not be sure if they will react positively… a dad, a mom, another parenting figure, a partner who has been kept in the dark for years…
Give it Time
You have probably been thinking about the subject for years by the time you ask someone to come into your closet. You probably needed that time to get a better picture of your situation. Allow that time also for another person.
If you give them the right to think that your kink is “horrible” or even “disgusting”, then you can also give people the time to get used to the idea. This way you can allow them the space to, after some time, understand that it is their own limitations that may influence their opinion of you. If they cannot see what kind of beautiful and valuable person you actually are, this is solely because of their own limited perspective.
Meanwhile
If you are concentrating on being as beautiful and as meaningful a person as you can be, then, in the worst case, it will only take some time for someone to learn to see it that way as well. However, if you allow someone to spend a full year on it, then you have the right to start being a little impatient after that year. It is always possible that someone is so blinkered, that they simply cannot see that you are more than just a label. Maybe that person is simply too damaged or has been fighting for his or her needs which might be different from the norm for too long.
However, after a year, you can expect someone to take a few steps towards acceptance. Alternatively, it might be better at this stage to let go of that hope if no progress has been achieved.
Overthinking
Think about what you’re actually trying to say. There is a big chance that you just want to say something along the lines of “I hope you think I’m ok just the way I am”. This is, in most cases, the easiest way for people to express themselves when it’s difficult to find the right words.
My tip: always put your relationship first!
Start with saying what the relationship means to you and what you would like to see as a result. Sentences such as:
- “you are my dad and I really hope that nothing will change, but I want to be honest with you, so I wanted to say that…”
- “You are my partner and I want to grow old with you, but I want you to know that I…”
- “You are my kid and I don’t want any secrets, so when you see that Aunt Annie also spends the night with us…” etc…
Don’t worry too much about what to say after this opening. Try to trust that the relationship you have with that individual will be strong enough and that the things you actually want to say will come easily. Being transparent is very important.
Because…
It is NOT an Illness
Sure, it is “different” because otherwise you would not have been waiting for so long to talk about it with the people who mean a lot to you. If that was the case, it would have been easier. But even though you’re not quite sure about it, you might want to keep in mind that you aren’t discussing some kind of scary illness. Dan Savage has a nice saying about the embarrassing way people often come out of the closet. It is about the quality of life! It’s about fun and (sexual) good times!
Remember when you come out of your closet: it’s a fetish, not a disease!
Dan Savage
Because, the more embarrassed you are about talking about the things you think are exciting, the easier it is for the other person to judge you. And how much louder you start screaming about your fears… exactly the same.
But if you talk about your fetish in a calm and adult way and with joy, then it will be a lot more difficult for other people to be judgmental towards you (this tip is especially relevant for parents and guardians.)
And a Bit of Hope
Also, it is, in most cases, a lot more daunting for the child to come out of the close than – for example – the parents. A lot of times I’ve encountered clients who have apprehensively decided to tell their parents and their parents reacted with a nonchalant: “tell me something new, I’ve been noticing it for years”.
So, good luck, take deep breaths and calmly sit there while they react. Maybe a lot more positively than you had imagined, or even a lot more shocked than you had imagined… it is their reaction…
