Fetish as a Challenge

Fetishes can be the pepper or the “itch” in your relationship.

When you read about fetishes on the first pages found by Google, you would hardly think that having a fetish could be something fun. According to Wikipedia, a fetish is an object which has supernatural abilities or it is something which has been created by people to control people.

You can imagine that the one fetish could get a hold of someone because that person is receptible of that (supernatural) power. According to Wikipedia, a sexual fetish is also: a form of fetishism in which sexual pleasure is being experienced in regard to certain objects or rituals. And this is one of the friendlier ones:

A sexual fetish “specifically refers to a strong sexual preoccupation with an object, material, or body part,” according to The Kinsey Institute, who are sexual health experts at Indiana University. Examples of a fetish might be a person who is sexually turned on by feet, or silk, or high heels, or wearing women’s panties.

The Condemning Attitude Towards Fetishists

It almost does not sound like something which would not be nice to read up on. However, a fetish is not some sick kind of thing, even when a person could focus on it too much to a point where it is not an improvement of quality of his life.

Yes, I use “his” here, because having a fetish occurs twenty times more amongst men than amongst women… Or is it? Well… I don’t know how many women love a man in a nice suit or a visible six-pack above some casual jeans, but yeah, that apparently is not a fetish. Maybe our – often male – researchers would not recognise a female fetish when they tripped over it perhaps?

Anyway, the condemning focus stems from psychotherapy trying to treat people who were focusing too much on something so it affected their (love) life in a negative way. Of course if you focus so much on something that your quality of life gets influenced in a bad way, this goes for sex, but also goes for football. So why is it suddenly such a bad thing when it is about sex? Hmmm most likely this must have something to do with our ideas toward sex. 😉

Too much of a good thing ain’t a good thing!

What Is a Fetish?

In a few words, a fetish is an object which amplifies the sexual mindset. A lot of times, fetishists make a connection with something from their childhood around the time they start becoming sexually active. With regards to that, it is not always clear if that childhood experience is actually the cause of the development of that fetish or that when a fetish starts to be a part of someone, things might seem more interesting than they actually are when you look back at it. It is probably a bit of both. As well as that It is clear that every time one thinks of that object or masturbates and orgasms with that object, it will amplify the sexual interest of that specific object.

Someone with a fetish would like to involve that object in his/her sexual play, that’s one thing that’s clear. It can be a material such as leather, satin or rubber or it can be a part of the body which is not often associated with sex. We call the latter partialism. A navel fetish, or pygophilia, a fetish for the butt, or podophilia – feet fetish – are examples of those. Or it could be related to certain objects. The cuffs or whips can be appreciated for what you can do with them, so this would be a kink*.

Fetish in a Relationship

Because fetishes can be “different”, they can also result in awkward situations. When your girlfriend fears rejection or is being jealous and she notices that you find her a lot sexier with high heels instead of without, or that you find her pumps sexier than her, then these could turn out to be pretty awkward situations.

You can imagine that these are the “easy” fetishes. But when you are feeling ashamed of your fetish of, for example, worn underwear, rubber underwear, baby diapers or balloons (all very common fetishes) and you’re being caught by your partner while you’re sitting there with an erection and being embarrassed at the same time, then you might understand that this is something that could come between the two of you. When you’ve answered with a smile, and your partner did not run away whilst screaming, (chances are not as big if you explain that you enjoy something that might seem different and that you’re also willing to explore her sexual quirks) then things will completely change in a relationship. Naturally, you could also try to find someone who thinks your fetish is exiting as well.

Things to Keep in Mind

When the fear of discovery amplifies your level of horniness.

For a lot of people fear amplifies their horniness. So that could be an issue when the fear of finding out is actually a part of the kick. Then, those partners do tend to not talk about their fetish to their partner. Obviously, you do not have to share everything always, but it would be a shame to not take the chance and share this fetish with your partner.

Of course you will miss out on this wonderful moment where your partner ‘discovers’ your kink… But because that often is not a memory partners tend to like very much, I strongly advice against being ‘discovered’ without having talked about that (it would actual be non-consentual sex…).

When the fetish becomes more important than the relationship

There could be possible issues when partners start to get the feeling that the fetish is becoming more important than the relationship. I do not mean to say that this will actually be the case. But you just don’t want the partner that does not share your fetish to get that idea. Someone who notices that she/he is a lot more attractive to her partner because he/she’s wearing latex, but besides that does not feel like even worth talking to, well, then you are heading for some serious relationship trouble.

When it comes to that, it is often wise to figure out how important a fetish is for you. You could even choose a partner based on your fetish, so that you can experience it together. Or you can try to experience the sexuality that’s important to your partner and give and take a little. And let’s be honest, really enjoying a fetish takes years of practice.

Sometimes, in more extreme cases, the fetish is also important because there is a certain fear for normal contact. This is something that a lot of Christian based websites are talking about. There, they think that a fetish is more or less equivalent to a sex addiction and sex addiction is then often defined as “wanting more sex then your partner”.

But if you follow this line of thinking, fetish, all of a sudden, becomes an illness in the eyes of the vanilla partner, which must be treated so that your partner does not suffer from it anymore. Some therapists might be very quick in diagnosing this, too. So, this could be something to keep in mind when you talk about your fetish with professionals.

A Sexual Connoisseur

Rule 34 of the internet: If it exists… there’s porn about it. No exceptions!

I prefer to look at fetishists as sexual connoisseurs (male and female) with the courage to speak out about their kicks, unlike many other people. Strangely, not having a fetish is not an issue, but having one is. However, you see that when people don’t “come out” about their fetish, the fetishists can frequently believe him/herself as being very “different”. “I must the only one that gets horny about this!”

Of course, like any other specialist, people can lose themselves in their specialty and lose a connection with the rest of the world. Then, a fetish does not actually improve your quality of life, but it has a negative impact on our quality of life. Which is sad, because it does not need be. Once you have learned how to talk about your fetish with pride to the people around you that makes it a lot easier.

Because, especially if you feel embarrassment as a fetishist about “being different”, this will make it very easy for the people around you to judge you. Shame attracts judgement, even if it is covert shame. Society and even some therapists and coaches will, totally unjustified, not make a differentiation between a fetish and sex addiction (sex addiction too is often diagnosed far too soon).

So I often like to quote:

it’s a fetish, baby. Not a disease! (Dan Savage)

Consequently, based on the ideas before I often embark on a journey with my clients to let their fetish become an improvement to their quality of life.

So, in Practice

Connoisseurs should sometimes take care that there is plenty of variety in their diet. The same goes for you sex-life. If your fetish turns out to be the only way to experience your sexuality, then the menu will be a little one-sided. However, why would you blame your partner for loving Thai food, while the rest of the people around her love potatoes and minced meat? Sure, it’s more difficult to go out to dinner together, but with a little creativity, you can create a menu that both of you enjoy. It could even mean that the fetishist can go out to dine by himself every now and then. That does not say anything about loving you or not. It is just the taste of Thai food that is appealing. So maybe dine out and enjoy your Thai food with other connoisseurs sometimes, so that he comes back completely re-charged and happy with potatoes for a while.

Talk about it. And of course it can also happen that your partner does not want to give in at all to the things you love most. Sex can sometimes cause profound feelings and it could turn into an actual deal breaker. An open discussion about your fetish with a third party might shed some light on the actual reasons why it can be a scary idea for certain people that their partner has a fetish. We could all address things like: “if that’s the case, then what else is going on?”, “where does it stop?”, “can I meet these expectations?” etc. Because these fears often stand in the way of vanillas accepting their partner’s fetish.

So even if it is out of your comfort zone, don’t let that stop you, instead drop by (IRL or virtual) to come out of the closet about your fetish and discover how to find your own way in all of this.

based on…

homosexuality was considered a paraphilia in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders until 1973. [Wonky information about the DSM’s change on homosexuality here]