A problem you will often see in a relationship is the mismatch between expectation and investment. Let me be clear: I am the first one that starts frowning when it comes to the “negotiating model” in a relationship. When people start to “negotiate”, it often is the beginning of the end. A “quid pro quo” kind of thinking often leads to a strategic and politic way of discussing:
If I give you something that I actually don’t really want to give you, but because of that, I can demand …
(You might get good results in the short term, but most of the time, these are not as useful for results in the long term)
On the other hand, expectations and investments should have some sort of connection in regards to each other at some point. Because it is possible that you’re investing more time in your partner than your partner invests in you. But at some point, you should get the feeling that you’re doing this together. Both with your own strengths and flaws.
With relationship-coaching, you often see that there is some kind of mismatch (or the idea of there being a mismatch) at some point. This often happens because of different expectations both parties have regarding investment and appreciation which they have or their partner can expect.
Straightforward Expectations And Crooked Appreciation
The link down below redirects you to a link which I often use to explain the difference. It often goes wrong because we expect that the relationship between effort and appreciation is straightforward: you know, “The more I invest, the more I can expect for it to be appreciated”…
Hmm, that might actually sound the same as “quid pro quo”…
But the irony is that this relationship really is not straightforward. It doesn’t work in a straight line, but through an optimum curve with a maximum set by the receiver. Economist know this curve as “the law of diminishing returns”. At the start, more investment gives more appreciation in return. But the annoying thing about passing the optimum is:
The harder you work, the less you’re appreciated…
Exactly this kind of difference between expectation and appreciation often results in the painful feeling a lot of partners have who feel like they have done their “absolute best”, but “the more they tried, the lesser the appreciation was for making those efforts”… and unfortunately, it’s correct! (even if it is often painful to admit).
But that’s just the way we are.
Why Do I Invest?
It might be interesting to take an honest look at yourself about the reasons why you’re trying to hard. You sometimes see some cases where people try to influence the depth of the relationship by doing something (too much) for their partner, not because they want to do that out of themselves, but as an investment because they hope that this also contributes to the certainty of the relationship…yup, there is that quid pro quo again and you could say that it, in this case, might not be a sincere way of establishing a connection with your partner.
I don’t want to sound holier than the Pope as a Kink Aware Coach: we are human after all. And I also don’t say that you should not invest in each other as partners, but I try to bring awareness to the underlying intentions regarding those intentions. Is it “giving away” or “receiving”….
If you don’t give what you want to give, but instead give to get something in return (or establish some kind of certainty), it would be a totally different way of “giving”.
Read more articles by Hans here.
