I read about ‘relationship anarchy’ and about ‘primary partners’ … What’s up with that?
Answer: Roughly, you could say that on one side there is “relationship anarchy” (R.A.), and on the other side, “hierarchical relationships”. These are the opposite ways in which you can maintain a polyamorous relationship. When you decide that both of you will let go of the well-known monogamous relationship, you’ll start asking yourself: if you let go of it, what kind of choice are you making?
Where, on that level, in between those two points, will you place yourselves as a couple?
Relationship Anarchy
Let’s first have a look at “Relationship Anarchy”.
On one hand, you can choose anarchy: this philosophy does not believe you should live your life according to certain rules. “Relational Anarchy” is a way of thinking about relationships. It believes every person has the complete freedom to start any kind of relationship that he or she wants at any point in time. The freedom to be able to do anything they choose to do.
Relationships are constructed between individuals and those individuals should be able to set the terms of those relationships, not society. This can mean atypical labels or no labels at all, hitting the stereotypical milestones on a different order, or even better, defining your own milestones, deciding between yourselves what you are and aren’t comfortable with instead of letting your relationship decide that for you etc.
There is a lot to say about freedom. That’s because every person is different and every relationship is different as well. A relationship means more when it has sufficient freedom coming with it. Would you really want your partner to stay with you because he/she HAS to?
And that’s exactly what RA is about: you don’t NEED to do anything! When you agree on this while being open about it and when you allow each other the freedom to be happy. Even better, if you can enjoy your partner enjoying the freedom you give to them and the experiences which are possible because of this, if you can take joy out of your partner’s pleasure, then you often see that people don’t look at contacts as being a “partner or not a partner”.
In RA, much more emphasis is placed upon the spontaneity of the moment and the freedom that allows you to start all different sorts of relationships … or that contacts can be let go whenever you feel like it.
All of this is very precious and amazing…If you can handle all that freedom.
Basically, it’s very true: not one single relationship should be started based on obligations. How often have we been watching from the sidelines thinking “just split up already!” when it is evident that a couple are still together only because they once said “I do” during a wedding ceremony?
Is It Really as Bad as It Looks?
On the other hand, there will also be times in when a relationship needs a period of time to work on that relationship. Because without responsibility, there is no freedom and without commitment there would be no feeling of an established relationship. Sometimes you hit a rough spot in your relationship and the reason is not always because of “obligations” why you’re sticking together, but sometimes thing just don’t happen automatically. Sometimes, you really need to put in some effort together and invest in each other. If there is nothing that will stop you at this point, nothing that keeps you together, then it is tempting to focus your attention on something else and to give in to temptation.
Hierarchical Relationships
These kinds of considerations are not an issue when it comes to hierarchical relationships… Hierarchical relationships are relationships which could be defined as a relationship in which one (secondary) relationship is being established according to the rules of and in the contained space set by the other (primary) relationship. Because in that primary relationship rules have been set about the freedom you have to experience things outside of the relationship in order to enrich the relationship.
If emotional and practical ties are not equally divided because of the living situation or because of responsibilities (parenthood for example), then we are not just talking about differences because nobody is the same.
However because there is not just a normal difference but also a level difference between those relationships, then it becomes easy to think about these different partners in some sort of hierarchy. The people placed higher up in the hierarchy are the primary partners. And when we consider them “primary”, then it means that there are other partners of a different and (eventually) lower level. In this constellation, they would be named “secondary”.
In the primary relationship, agreements are made about the possible secondary relationship, such as “veto-right” (for example a veto on certain persons or types of persons), or time agreements such as “not on the weekend”, or sexual behavioral rules such as “you can fuck but not kiss”, or rules on emotional depth such as “it stops when someone falls in love” or” you can do everything with him but you will not spend the night”.
These are rules that aim to preserve a sense of control. These might be rules that aim to prevent certain feelings, such as doubting your partner, doubting yourself, doubting love or the fear of too much love.
Agreements as Communication Stoppers
These kinds of agreements provide a sense of calmness and a sense of control and the risk arises of course that you get an unjustified feeling of security because of these rules and agreements “because we talked about this in 1992”. Because of these rules, there is also a chance that people think we “do not need to talk about this anymore” and that because no conversation is taking place about the things happening with others, differences will arise when it comes to the way of memories are being handled or how they are being remembered.
On the other hand – just because partners in relationships do not want to talk about the limits of possibilities and limits of their own (emotional) possibilities – the tendency arises to not speak about this at all under the guise of personal freedom. Especially among the supporters of RA, you often see people who, under the guise of “I do not want to look at my partners hierarchically” just create a “do not ask, do not tell” situation in which there is no communication in regards to practical and emotional intensity out of fear of jealousy.
So, What Should I Do?
By now this should hopefully be clear. The solution is cooperation and communication. It’s also about difficult feelings such as doubt or jealousy and fear and where both sides run the risk of only speaking about theoretical concepts (so you do not have to talk about those deep-down feelings). These feelings are actually the foundation of these kind of “high school” relationships.
Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickers word this very well in their book “More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory Paperback” (sept 2014 by F Veaux & E Rickert)
Polyamorous relationships can be joyous, brimming with laughter and love. But they rarely just happen. They take work, and they require trust, communication and kindness.
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