No matter what kind of relationship you have with another person, commitment is the foundation. Something that everyone can agree on after five minutes of thinking …. and then the differences arise.
That is because everybody is really “passionate” and “completely committed towards everyone and everything” in this time of marketing, spintalk and “present and sell yourself”. The word “commitment” has been completely hollowed out when we talk about relationships.
However, when we professionals, during relation coaching, begin talking about commitment, we encounter some difficult questions such as:
- What does commitment mean for every single one of you?
- What does that commitment mean in practise (when it comes to behaviour)?
- How much more important is talking about commitment compared to realistically expected behaviour?
- During a certain period, are you both able to be committed towards each other as part of a relationship or do you see a relationship as a summary of two individuals? And
- How much does your commitment depend of the commitment of another?
The answers depend on your ideas about commitment, so let’s start with the first one:
What is Commitment?
That is tricky, but the dictionary definition is as follows:
commitment
kəˈmɪtm(ə)nt/
noun
1. the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.
2. an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.
So how do we recognize that dedication? Obviously, how you feel when you are doing something plays an important part. However, if you look at it correctly, without looking at all things connected to this definition and when you completely strip it down, then “commitment” is not something you’ll think about, it’s not something you’re saying.
Commitment is behaviour! Not a feeling, not a thought…
The existence of commitment can be recognized by the consistent behaviour of an individual towards a certain direction without the need for constant stimulation by another person either with nice incentives or with that extra push in the back.
You could say that commitment is the behaviour emerging from a combination of feelings and thoughts about things you would like to do for someone.
If you look at commitment this way, you can recognize the different aspects:
- A WHO
- A WHAT & HOW
- A (until) WHEN
- And everybody’s personal WHY?
The Who
You always have a commitment towards “a WHO”. Commitment is always directed towards someone: a partner, a lover, yourself. But commitment is always a type of behavior which is granted. That connection, the emotional element in regards to the behavior, helps to properly establish that commitment.
If you, in your way of behaving, can see that you grant yourself more than your partner, it’s clear that you’re the source of commitment as an individual. When you did not learn to think about the possibility to put that commitment towards a relationship instead of a person (you or a partner).
It might be important to think about that WHO-question. How do you create synergy between the commitments that exist next to each other in a relationship?
The What
The WHAT is the way you behave. You’re doing something for someone. You create something, you give something, you take a role upon yourself, you take responsibility – end-responsibilities or executing responsibilities, you do something so you can leave something else out. With commitment it’s often a good thing to think about the quality of the WHAT. Here, the WHO, which is the recipient of the WHAT, decides if it has the right type of quality.
That’s why it is important to think for yourself and with your partner about the WHAT and HOW that needs to be. You often see that people did not talk about the quality as much as they should so that they are busy for way too long and too much while the partner was already happy with a lesser amount of work (the good old 80-20 rule).
The When
If it comes to WHEN, the two kinds of commitment are split up.
On one side, you find the temporary commitments, commitments with a “deadline” basically. I promise to deliver this and that in this and that kind of quality before that certain date and on that time. You often find this type of commitment in the ToDo lists.
It gets more complicated with commitments without an expiration date.
Soon you end up at a “for life” situation which sounds like a prison sentence for a lot of people. Before you commit to a commitment for life (in which the WHAT is not really a one-time delivery, but instead comes in the shape of a role which needs to grow in the long term) it might be a good idea to talk really, really well about the HOW, because if there is something which is complicated for people, it would be the “long term”.
This kind of commitment you can often find in job descriptions or the definition of a role you’re having as a whole.
The things you deliver and promise now, is the foundation of your reputation later.
And we have the tendency to easily take on commitments or to be too optimistic about the future.
To Do or To Be?
This way, you can recognize two different sorts of commitment: a commitment of “doing” (with a delivery date) and a commitment to “be” (a role which needs to be fulfilled without a deadline). The similarities between the two will make you think about the question “for WHO?” and the question “WHAT and HOW -and in what quality-?”. But the real difference between the two is in the question “until WHEN?”
It can be wise to think about the fact if talking about endless commitments should be as important as you make it. Often, it’s better to work on the short-term commitments so that you eventually “automatically” end up on the long term.
Relationships can change, so speaking about your commitment can be necessary for your partner so that he/she has the courage to change a relationship.
It could be possible that you have to show someone how much he/she means to you with your commitment. It’s also possible that you have to show yourself how committed you are for your own self-esteem which makes it possible to show you’re worth it as a partner.
Step by Step
People are often very good at making long-term false promises and we actually all know that from one another (even if we don’t say so) so we often do not take long term commitments from another person that seriously. We are often quite convinced when it comes to our own capabilities and our willpower to let happen that which we think is right.
That’s why, especially when you need to (or again) find trust in each other’s commitment, it is often not wise to trust too much on the long term commitment. It might be easier to talk about the difficult question “until WHEN?”.
Because, even if an endless commitment might feel like a fairy tale, we often do not believe in it 100% which causes our commitment towards each other to crumble and talking about commitments will be reduced to pointless conversations (while the other party might not have that intention).
The Main Thing Is “WHY”
Under these steps, you constantly find the question “Why would I?” Wrong question, because the question could be formulated better as: “Why should we?”
For both parties, this is an interesting question to look into. But in short, you could say that people are happier in general when they are in a relationship. As a single person, you can still feel enrich and enjoy the experience of freedom, you don’t hear me saying that people can’t be happy when they are not committed to a relationship.
However, research clearly indicates that people who are into a relationship generally live longer and are less stressed. It’s also interesting that knowing that you have the support of another person can provide a lot of people with the strength to handle their business.
And especially when we take our partners for granted and don’t value the things your partner does for you, chances are that (in that well-known “reality check”- relationship phase), we only see the things your partner does not give you.
But if we are realistic and open-minded in the way we shape our relationship(s), then most of us are just “herd animals” who experience more quality in life when we are involved in a relationship.
Next to this, an interesting question would be to find out what you like to express as a couple…
Start at the Beginning
The phrase “until death do us part” immediately springs to mind, but you won’t find real commitment in this statement. When seeking to improve relationships, it’s often better to look to the short-term in which people really want to invest into each other.
Most of the time, more of the WHAT is possible and a better HOW quality when you assign the WHEN a short term so that a person is actually capable to deliver that quality for WHO… and when we both are clear about the WHY.
Especially when it comes to relationship issues, it is wise to look for (maximum) short term commitments which are realistic for both parties. Things that should not only be talked about, but also need to be achievable… and do it as well!
The improvement of the bond that started because of the customized commitment can actually be used in reality and could be the foundation of another step forward with a new, deeper or longer commitment.
