The BDSM people amongst us probably will start smiling a bit when they read this headline. But I don’t really want to talk about BDSM play. Rather, let’s look at relationship rules regarding kink and BDSM relationships.
What Are the Rules Again?
The kinky expansion of sexual possibilities comes with the great advantage of being able to make up your own relationship rules. This is fun, because you can completely come up with your own framework. But the downside of this is that you have to establish these rules with each other yourselves.
When we choose for some form of polyamory – or better said, any alternative relationship style – the rules laid out by society no longer apply to us. We cannot just follow them and copy blindly.
All of the sudden, we are responsible ourselves for answering the question: “How do I handle my relationship in such a way, that my kink becomes an expansion of my repertoire rather than a source of unhappiness. How do I keep relationship rules in harmony with what my heart wants? How do I prevent myself from not fixating on just one sides of the “rules”?
The Two Sides of Relationship Rules
Relationship rules always have two sides:
- It is a limitation of your possibilities
- It is meant to protect yourself and your partner
Limitation: Rules are there to limit you. That is not always pleasant. Especially when you want to experience more and feel restricted in what you really desire to experience. Then, you want to get rid of those rules!
But you can also look at rules from a different perspective: You don’t have to think about certain things anymore. You don’t have to take certain things into account. Rules also give you a certain kind of protection.
A Native American once said to me: “You Westerners are a bit weird when it comes to boundaries. We have boundaries in our culture and we are okay with that. But when you guys encounter some sort of boundary, you just have to cross it!
Unspoken Two-Sidedness
The bilateral aspect of rules often happens automatically. Meaning, what applies to you, applies to me too. Typically, it’s not something that is explicitly addressed but taken for granted. But it might be a good idea to think about this together or just by yourself. Especially when you consider to change rules.
And rules may change over time. That is why it’s so important to keep talking about them. I often see people think about all the fun they will have when expanding their rules. But when they actually do it, it feels quite different.
Especially, when things happen differently than you imagined beforehand. Sometimes, those unspoken rules just do not seem feel right anymore. Sometimes they stand in conflict with the expectations and ideas of you and your partner. And sometimes, a change in rules might have already happened because both sides have not talked about it for too long.
This isn’t to say you have to come up with things that are “forbidden” for both of you. Or things like vetos. No, it’s about getting to know the rules your partner has in mind, and more importantly feels. It’s about knowing what those words mean for both of you. I really do not mean that you just have to act “normal” and stick to boundaries which are not compatible for the two of you.
I mean that you actually have to talk about the things you can do within your relationship. The things that have meaning for both of you.
Words Are Just Words
Terms as “open marriage”, “swinging”, or “polyamory” can mean something completely different for one person than for someone else. And misconceptions can arise about feelings which have not been talked about for too long.
If you notice that your rules are different from your partner these days, there might actually be no more relationship rules at all. Often this is a sign that you together did not think about them long enough – or repeatedly. At this point, it’s crucial to talk about your rules together again.
Sometimes that is hard to do. If you cannot seem to make the conversation work, a discussion group with like-minded people might be a good idea. Or to sit down with a third person (or fourth, depending of the constellation) to see what the possibilities are. Kink-aware coaches can be a great help to rekindle a conversation in your relationship.
