We probably all recognize it from our partners in our past. People can get worked up about nothing while the more important things in a relationship are not getting the attention they need (…this obviously never happens to ourselves, it’s always the partner that’s wrong… just sayin’…) 😉
What often happens in relationships and personal lives is that we spend too much attention to the small nice-to haves.
Not knowing what you want
We can end up blaming our partners for everything because they do not give us what we apparently expect from a relationship. Many people who are feeling unhappy about their relationship are not happy with their relationship because it does not give them what they’ve expected from life. Obviously, you start to talk about it, negotiate to get what you want… You might start seducing or start making threats to get what you want…. but in the meantime, us being human and all, often skip one certain step which is asking yourself: “Do I actually want the thing that I want?”
Or to put things less complicated: What do I want!
We have such a nice saying for it:
“Be careful what you wish for… you just might get it!”
How many times does it happen that we fight a lot for something and then one week later we are completely done with our “new shiny”. We sometimes expect things to make us very happy, but when it comes to it, we end up disappointed. To put it into perspective, people are often very bad at deciding what actually makes us happy and are more fixated on the things we do not have.
Needs – Wants – Nice-to-Haves – List
This is why I often ask people to fill out a Needs – Wants – Nice to have list. This is a term that originates from IT. When a good programmer asks a user “What do you want me to develop?”, you often see that the answer to that question does not help the programmer a lot. What should the program do? Sometimes, even that question might be difficult to answer. When you’re not having a lot of luck, you might end up with a secretary telling you the program should definitely have “pink buttons”. It could be an important fun factor when you work with it, but it is probably not the reason why you’ve hired a programmer.
A Needs – Wants – Nice to have list often gets you a lot more information.
What are the “Needs”? What is the minimum you want the program to do? What kind of features do you wish to see implemented so that you can give it 5/10 it when all features are added to the program.
What is your foundation, your “pie crust”?
What are the “Wants”? What else you want? What other requirements do you want the program to meet in order to avoid just getting the “bare minimum” and you can actually happily work with this program? What do you need for a 7/10?
What are the actual layers of sweet creme or chocolate cake which makes it a decent cake?
What are the “Nice-to-haves”? This is where we will find the pink buttons (or another color), the bits and bobs which make it pleasant to work with the program. Not just the necessary warnings, but also the things that enable you to work in a way that’s more fun. With less worries or attention. Not just less hassle, but also a lot more fun.
What are the tips of whipped cream, the tasty bitter chocolate sprinkles and especially, what are the sweet cherries on top of the cake?
When your future buyer of the program has been thinking a lot about what to fill in on a Needs – Wants – Nice to Have list, then you, as a programmer, will know how to make your buyer happy. He/she will spend less time on pointless key colors and more time and energy on the things that actually matter before making it any fancier.
Get to Work
It might be clear now. You are the programmer of your own life and you’re also your own customer (the things I program today, will give me more pleasure tomorrow – hopefully). You will also see that people are now becoming better at separating trivial matters from the more important issues once we start using a list like this (together).
Obviously, there is nothing wrong with revising this list a couple of times. Just to help yourself remember about the things that do not matter.
