No matter how kinky or vanilla your relationship might be, there is always a chance that it can grow sour. That’s when there’ll be all sorts of fights and trouble which only makes you both grow apart. To not let that happen or to prevent unnecessary pain, I always suggest a couple of relatively simple rules to couples in order to ensure a relationship in which people can work together when coming out of an escalating relationship situation (by the way, to me a couple doesn’t need to be 2 persons, a couple can also be made out of 3, 4 or 5 people) .
It might perhaps sound a bit pedantic, but I often call them the first Golden Rules for Relationship Recovery. They might be really simple but often that is exactly what is necessary in a situation where stress is accumulating, making it impossible for both parties to think straight because of all the stress and emotions. It is actually the stress which is threatening to destroy the relationship.
Just to be clear, there is a big chance that you are both parts of an automatism-dance. It is likely that something gets triggered in the other person causing an automatic reaction being triggered in you, causing an automatic reaction being triggered in that person, causing….
Probably you are both trying your best to get out of this escalation but because of the emotions, you cannot think straight about your own actions. This does not mean that you’re doing it wrong, it does not mean that the other person is doing it wrong, it means that you as a couple first need to get out of that dance before you can find a different pattern… and the sad thing is that probably the hopelessness of that dance is one of the sources of the relationship-stress.
1 – No complicated conversations after 21:00.
A conversation started after 21:00, has a 200% bigger chance to escalate. You probably did not plan on a divorce tomorrow anyway. So you can just talk about it tomorrow. There is not a single reason to say everything that needs to be said today (except if you have the urge to be ‘right’ today)
2 – You’re only “right” as a couple, not as a person.
If you decide that you are “in a relationship” (the two of you, three of you, whatever), then there is no such thing as being right for just you or the other side. There are just two or three opinions about the reality of you as a couple.
So if one of the two wants to be right: Then stop the race to “be right”. You are right as a couple, not as a person!
3 – No alcohol (or 2 max).
No alcohol, and with that I mean: no more than 2 or 3 glasses (if you can keep your limits). Alcohol removes the ‘brakes’ of our brain and without these brakes we tend to do things automatically… Not quite handy if you want to stay out of an automatism-dance.
So: No more than two glasses of alcohol. (and ZERO when things are heated already)
4 – Agree on a safe word.
Agree on a sign, word or sentence that, as soon as it is being said, will start a conversational break for 15 minutes. This safe word is holy, you cannot overturn it unless you agree on having a relationship without a safe word. What you need to do to halt the conversation immediately does not matter that much. Take a cold shower, go for a walk, meditate or do breathing exercises… but stop this escalation, do something else with your pain than to scream, blame or to hit. And probably: continue again tomorrow in a calmer fashion. (see rule #1)
5 – No guilt ping-pong please.
Everybody wants to get rid of their guilt, so we always love to give it to someone else. Everybody wants to have responsibility. This is why you should not keep on talking about “guilt”. Try to transform it into responsibility. Exactly by not defending yourself when people blame you. Instead start talking about responsibilities: “I hear that you think that I am the one to blame for that. I get it. But what if we transform this to responsibility. Which responsibility do you want to give me? Which responsibility do you want to take in this?”… and don’t complain when things are not handed to you. If responsibility does not come automatically, it does not come at all.
Talking about guilt will not get you anywhere.
6 – Commitment before Communication.
There is no real point to “wanting to say it all”.
“Communication” is overrated. A relationship is built up much better by saying the right things at the right time. And because of this, you need to know what kind of couple you want to be next week. A loving couple, a peaceful couple, an exciting couple, a co-parenting couple…. One couple-format will need a very different kind of communication from the other….
7 – There are (at least) a 1,000 ways to Rome.
As long as you’re on your way together. Working together with the other like they are and not like the way that you want them to be. Of course you can split up, you always can. But do it in a way that is acceptable for both of you. You do not own the truth (see rule #2).
The truth is something that you make with each other, it is not something that you own. The truth can only be recognized later on after you’ve created it together.
8 – Keep it small.
Schumacher already said it: keep it small. A lot of fights started with the question “How are you doing now?” That is asking for emotions which can be pretty heavy and also, especially when there are quite a few “open nerves” laying around during the daily process, can be a question that can be too deep. “How are you this afternoon” is better and easier to answer in case of non-resolved sensitive issues still lingering.
9 – Strive for neutral first.
Do not try to “make up for it” immediately. Because that is not going to work anyway. Time has passed in order to trigger those defensive reactions in each other. If that’s the case, you probably need some neutral time to take off the pressure, to “de-stress”. Make things that annoy you less annoying and especially make things that slightly annoy you, neutral. NOT positive: neutral! Do not make things more negative if you actually experience them as neutral and also really do not make things more positive than they really are. A little bit nice is just a little bit nice. It does not immediately need to be “very nice”, because it will create expectations which could actually prove to be a setback.
10 – Do not try to do it “right”.
And please do not try to “do it right”. Even if there is shame or regret. If there is something that is scary for your partner(s) then it is someone that is trying to cut corners. Especially when you cannot stand cutting corners and you’re forced to stay where you are… If you would be great at that, then there would not be any issues. (Even if all the trouble started because you’ve been sitting in a corner for too long). The less you “need” to do for yourself, the more you are who you really are, the bigger the chance of necessary relaxation will actually present itself (incredibly important during times of fighting and relationship stress). You planned to actually put up with each other for a while so there is no hurry. This should not make you more “slacking”. But there really is no point in wanting to be someone that you are not. This is not why you became partners.
Obviously, this list is oversimplified and blunt.
That is why it is meant as a push into the right direction. Especially during times of stress. At that time, you really do not need any extra escalation
If you want to go fast, travel alone. If you want to get far, travel together.
African proverb
If you would like to talk to Hans and learn more about his individual and relationship coaching approach, you can best reach him via Kink Aware Coaching.
