What Relationship Model Suits You

Are you not sure what kind of a relationship you want with your partner? Well, theoretically there are plenty of possibilities!

However, in practice, this will only succeed if you both work for it. And obviously I cannot “show you the way to go”, 😉 but I can give you a small map, like presenting you some sort of an “options menu”. It could be nice to list all of the possibilities and to discuss your wishes and the wishes of your partner(s).

Therefor I have made a summary which can be used as a “conversational piece”, to be discussed with your partner(s).

Possibilities And Their Consequences

You can imagine that the schedule below could be more comprehensive when you start separating sexual relationships and partner relationships even more. Or when someone has one equal relationship while the relationship with someone else is centred around inequality (like the D’s in BDSM). Or that one prefers to be monogamous while the other is being polyamorous.

Hetero-gay or being bisexual can also play a role in this, meaning that there are possibilities with the one gender and that there are different possibilities with the other when it comes to the partner. In short, there is a lot to choose from :).

Then also talk about what you agree to with each other and what you decide to show/tell the people around you… This is often a point of concern for longer lasting love relationships which do not completely fit the “expectations” of the people around them. Well, now you’ve got something to discuss with each other, about the things that you would like… and only after that, you start to actually do that together.

The number of relationship types between people are endless.

Let me be clear up front: we can’t set “clear” definitions on relationships. The following terms are up to personal interpretation from different people. But that is what it is about: your own interpretation, together.

In practice you will also encounter all kinds of mixtures in which feelings of friendship, intimacy, love and excitement can sometimes change. It can be very wise to put an expiration date on the results of a conversation like that and regularly check of you don’t prefer to change to a different type. Because things that might feel “exciting and secret” or “nicely unequal” could feel like they are being “hidden away” or could even feel “too much”.

Tip: Have an annual check-up. “Is this label on our relationship still right for you?”. And what does this term mean to you?

Possibilities and Preferences

Alright, so here is a list with a few possibilities:

Monogamy. Someone feels and is convinced that he/she can stay emotionally connected with a single partner for the rest of their lives.

Idealized monogamy. Someone has the idea that he/she can only be emotionally connected to a single partner.

Serial monogamy. Someone will stay with one partner and first has to end the relationship before starting a new one. This means that this person has had multiple relationships in a row which were all monogamous.

Cheating. When one partner does not know that the other partner has a sexual or romantic relationship with (a) third party(ies).

Don’t ask, don’t tell. The partner (or both partners) know that their partner (sometimes) has other partners but they do not talk about this and don’t say who this is or what is happening. Sometimes nothing is discussed or there is a sexually tinted relationship or people are in love or even the “extra” partners have a “relationship” status.

Open relationships. Relationships in which both partners know that their partner, in mutual agreement, has other (mostly sexual) contacts or relationship(s). “Open” relationships in most cases mean sexually open, while polyamorous often involves broader relationships.

Polygamous. When you, as a man, are married to multiple partners (legally this is difficult to do, but there are religions which allow this)

Poly fidelity. When multiple (more than two) partners love each other and are faithful (sexually and relationship wise) in a way that suits everyone.

Hierarchical polyamory. If someone has more than one partner. But that there is a primary partner whose relationship has a different “weight” than the other partner … and that the “secondary” (for some this is an awkward term) partner knows this but is also at peace with it. “Secondary” does not mean “inferior” here, but rather “non-primary”, it is more about the weight of the responsibilities which are shared

Egalitarian polyamory. All partners have the same status (as opposed to “hierarchical polyamory”). Partners could potentially have different partners as well.

Solo polyamory. When you have more than one partner and you’re also happy with those partners without having the need to live together with both of them or with one of them. Sort of a long distance relationship, but in this case, with more than one partner.

Poly/mono (or mono/poly). When you are in a relationship where one partner who is monoarmourous but actively chooses to have a relationship with someone who is polyamorous (or has sexual relationships with several people)

Cuckolding. A relationship in which at least one of the partners is polyamorous and often also sexually enjoys others while the other partner is often not in a position in which sex is involved with the primary partner or when they “are allowed” to enjoy other partners. The exciting thing about this is that someone else is doing it with the partner and you don’t.

Relationship anarchy. When you can have a relationship with all of your friends and loved ones in which sex might or might not be involved and in which you actually do not care about how others see this or name this.

Friends with benefits. When you add a sexual option to a friendship without this friendship turning into a “partnership”. With “benefits”, we mean “the benefit of sexual satisfaction” or “playful relationship”.

Swinging. When you have sexual relationships with multiple people in such a way that it feels good for all parties involved, (together and/or each on their own), in which love is primary need, but it is more about desire and to be desired, so that the feeling of being faithful can exist between partners while sexually, everything is possible with other people.

‘Slutting’. When someone has purely a sexual relationship with multiple people. Desire, lust, satisfaction, being desired and lustful superficiality are the primary needs, and partners are very much aware of this superficiality. And enjoy it.

Conclusion

This is only a general overview. It is not a “scientific review with fixed definitions and terms”. Undoubtedly they need to be adjusted over time because sexuality is fluid and ever changing. But here you will find some short descriptions to help you create an overview for yourself and for both of you together. A summary to bring along and to discuss with your partner(s) about in which context you should look at your relationship(s). Or to help you to just get a bit of an idea when you encounter a term or a label.

Also a start to talk about the things which you could expect with different labels, such as: What are the emotional risks? When do you think you might start feeling jealous? Which things do you find acceptable as a risk, for example with “swinging” or “slutting”? Where does safe sex come into play and when do you want to trust on the trust of your partner?

A summary which you can discuss together for you both to find your own way. Especially look at this as a list intended to start communicating to prevent any issues and polydrama (because you did not discuss things right or did not understand things the right way).

If you would like to talk to Hans and learn more about his individual and relationship coaching approach, you can best reach him via Kink Aware Coaching.