In relationship coaching, I encounter this question regularly: “Do I actually love my partner?… What is love anyway?”
As an answer to this question I often discuss Robert Sternberg’s triangle-of-love, developed in 1986. Google it! You will see that it is one of the most popular ideas when it comes to classification.
According to Sternberg, love between people has 3 components which you can place inside of a triangle (there are also 8 subtypes in this triangle, but we will get to those later):
· intimacy
· passion
· commitment
Components of love
Intimacy – Here we talk about feelings of feeling close to another, to feel connected and committed, liking each other in a loving way.
Passion – This is more about lust, things that lead to romance when it’s about physical attraction and aiming for sexual satisfaction.
Commitment – The third edge is commitment, connection, the decision to make that love important in the long term.
The Triangle
Together, you can find out how strong those three components are (it determines the strength of love which you are feeling) and what their mutual relationship actually means (it determines the type of love).
You should not look at them as being individual things nor should you look at them as a binary “on-off” kind of thing (like I do down below in a table with a grade that is OR zero OR ten). But of course the three directions are on a sliding rule between 0 and 10. Also, the different components communicate with each other and also are influenced by the actions they produce.
Accelerator- Brake
We often forget that almost all biological features are balanced by both stimulants and inhibitors. More visual: an accelator-throttle and a brake. You can imagine that hot little outfits can spice up the passion but that stress works as a brake. You can imagine that promises create a feeling commitment of commitment but that misunderstandings create a brake. Having a quiet massage creates intimacy but having to end every physical encounter with sex creates a brake.
I often talk with my clients about the accelerates and brakes on the the components of love according to Sternberg. All this creates different kinds of subtypes and experiences.
8 Subtypes in Love Relationships
Now you end up at the above mentioned 8 subtypes in love relationships:
The belly/heart/head metaphor is obviously a little simplified. Nobody can keep up a relationship just with his/her head. It always comes with other feelings, even if it’s just the fear if being alone…and the chances of a relationship only being there because of an underbelly feeling…not so big (unless you’re a perfect addition toward each other’s fetish)
· Nonlove: (no love) as in there is no intimacy, no passion and no commitment present which basically means that there is no love present at all. Nonlove makes up the big majority of our daily personal relationships with others which are more like loose interactions without a lot of relationship.
· Liking: When there is intimacy but no passion and no commitment, then you just like each other. Really like each other or like each other just a little, it depends of the quantity. Friendship characterizes the closeness, commitment and warmth towards another without feelings of intense passion or commitment in the long term.
· Infatuated love: When there is passion but not intimacy or commitment (yet). Something you often see in the first phase of love: being in love or during booty calls and swinging. Romantic relationships often start when people are in love while intimacy and commitment grow. Romantic love starts growing. When there is no development of both intimacy and commitment, that love can also suddenly disappear.
· Empty love: When there is commitment but no intimacy and passion (anymore), then love turns into a duty. “Empty love” because there is actually no emotional foundation present for that love anymore. Still, it is not a worthless relationship. For example, look at pre-arranged marriages. These could start as an empty love but then grow into a different kind. “Empty Love” does not have to be “the beginning of the end” but can also be “the beginning instead of the end”.
· Romantic love: Love you feel when there is intimacy and passion present in a relationship. We often call this “romantic love”. Not necessarily just from the head (brain) but also from the belly and the heart. The lovers from romance are not just connected by the physical aspect but also feel a strong emotional connection – as well as intimate as passionate but without making their commitment a priority.
· Companionate love: When there is just passion and commitment present. An intimate, non-passionate shape of love which is stronger than friendship because of the element of commitment in the long term. You see this kind of love in long lasting marriages which lack a sense of passion but instead have a deep sense of affection and dedication. The passion can sometimes be experienced elsewhere, especially because of that strong sense of commitment.
· Fatuous love: experiencing “foolish” love when people share their passion and commitment. For example during a “whirlwind” relationship or wedding…”Foolish” is not meant in a judgmental way. The “Foolishness” is purely about a relationship being built on a foundation of passion without the stabilizing influence of intimate commitment.
· Consummate love: In an ideal situation (according to this theory), we should feel all three of these in a strong way and is also called the ideal love or the “accomplished” love… Sternberg also called this the love which could be connected with the “perfect couple” which still has amazing sex after 15 years of being in a relationship. They can also not imagine being happy with someone in the long term. This way, they conquer their few relationship issues in a graceful way and enjoy their relationship together. (OK, it might sound a little judgmental but we all know what I mean).
Sternberg also stated that managing the perfect love over time is even more difficult than achieving it. He clearly expresses the importance of translating the components of love into actions. “Without expression”, he warns, “even the biggest love can vaporize”. Which implies that this perfect love might also not be permanent in his opinion.
What is love?
Back to the original question: “what is love?”
This model might help you to better understand know the aspects of love. Without committing, without expecting that it will never change, without expecting that it will all just happen.
This triangular theory often works shaping a clear vision which can help explain a lot of dynamics in a relationship. (especially when you think about the dual control of almost every biological system: elements can have both excitation and things that inhibit them). So, when you want to think about your love(s), I recommend keeping the three components in mind (even without having to know the 8 subtypes).
Read more articles by Hans here.
